If you cannot tell from my lengthy, verbose title, the Top Billboards are absolutely making me want to throw myself over a musical cliff. I mean, for the love of all that is musical, could there be a more annoying line up of tunes?! Certainly, I think everyone should listen to jazz on vinyl records and attend a symphony at least a couple times a year, but this is simply toooooo much. TOO MUCH I SAY! I shall now rant in a rather uppity manner that my yoga instructor would frown upon, so bear with me or skip to the end of this post and listen to a nice little mix. Also, if these are your top favorite songs in the whole wide world, this is no reflection on you...certainly not. Just your current top favorite songs in the whole wide world. See the difference? And now: THE RANT! I LOVE CAPITALS RIGHT NOW!
Here are the current Billboard Top 5 Songs and Why I Hate Them (In No Particular Order)
1. All About That Bass: it was mildly clever for a quick minute. What? No treble/trouble? Oh you don't say, you pithy girl! I instantly added it to a playlist. But if I hear this song one more time, you'll find me rocking back and forth in a corner, Blair Witch Project style. It's a song that grows old really quickly and is high redundant.
2. Shake It Off: Arrrrrrrghhhhh! Taytay! I cannot even handle her or her music. It's so poppy, so bubble gummy, so cotton candied that I feel like I get musical diabetes the second it comes on. I mean, does she even do country anymore or play a guitar? I'm so confused. But she does look fabulous in skinny jeans and fall booties with her long leggy legs and twig body. *open sigh of jealousy* Just hearing her music makes me feel more superficial and like I should be giggling over boys while I twirl my hair around my finger. I need to put on Miles Davis right now.
3. Anaconda: Stop it. Just stop it. Firstly, W.T.F was going on with the picture on her album cover. I mean....honestly. Children will have nightmares for years. I have loved a plentiful booty every since I heard Sir Mix-a-Lot sing about them, but madam! There is a limit! That advice is free of charge.
4. Black Widow: this song is just weird to me. The lyrics creep me out. Spiders creep me out. Vindictive lovers creep me out. That weird boop-boop-boop overtrack on the song creeps me out. I just don't like it. MILES DAVIS, PLEASE.
5. Bang Bang: this song is actually pretty catchy and a little sassy, and it came on a random Spotify list when I was blissfully biking around DC, ignoring the life threatening traffic around me. Here's the thing: I really, really, really do not enjoy Ariana Grande and therefore boycott this song. I could go into countless reason why, starting with her perpetual half up/half down hairdo (surely her stylists have heard of Pinterest at very least, no?), her iridescent go-go boots or the fact that she is yet another very young singer in a long lineup of singers to try to sell music with an overly sexed up image. I teach a ton of young girls who look up to these singers, and I would love to shake them (gently of course, but firmly) and tell them a woman can be an seductress by being goddamn smart, clever and true to herself and not pushing the sex image. I also find the lyrics to be overtly and almost ridiculously sexual, which doesn't personally offend me but I don't consider it talented lyrics.
So instead of inflicting you with the task of listening to these five tunes of mediocrity, I have this great ACL 2014 playlist brought to you by Spotify, which is like my personal DJ/bringer of great tunes. Why? Because I love ATX like I love cake, puppies, and a good shoe sale at Saks. I also love great mixes, and this one has quite the variety. Have a wonderful week, loves, and remember: sometimes disagreeing with the majority is a really good thing.
